Things can only get better from here!

Well after much anxiety since my scan last month I received some great news yesterday from Dr. Kapoor,  my lymph nodes have started to decrease in size and I have been given my membership card to Club N.E.D.  which is an exclusive club that gives us cancer patients the privilege to say that there is No Evidence of Disease!.  I say this through a heavy sigh relief and a happy tears.   My next scan will be in April of next year and results will be in May! 
 
While many may say "see I told you that you had nothing to worry about" or "I told you everything would be fine" that does alleviate the anxiety or thought process that one goes through when dealing with the fear of having the results given to you after a scan in fact for the person dealing with cancer or any disease for that matter it sometimes feels like what you are going through is trivialized.  I know most of us don't know what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with a life threatening disease but instead of saying anything at all just listen to your family member or friend to truly understand what it is like to be in that person's shoes.   I hope I have not offended anyone in this paragraph and if I have I do apologize if I have but I felt it was important to say after being at a Patient/Caregiver Connect Meeting last evening hosted by Kidney Cancer Canada  discussing How we can treat & You can cope with Kidney Cancer Better.  

With all of that being said I truly value all the love and support I have received and continue to received through my journey with Kidney Cancer. 

Hugs
Denise

Hitting the Wall of Reality

It has been six months since my surgery, eleven months since my diagnosis and I thought that I have been dealing with this but apparently not.  I have discovered recently my super woman powers have failed me and I have hit the wall of reality.  I have turned into a emotional and mental wreck. Physically I am fine as of right now unless I am told otherwise at my next specialist appointment in November, I just had my six month CT scan this week.  I guess I have had one too many losses in the past year.  First with the passing of my dad, then just a few months later my diagnosis with kidney cancer and the lastly our kids moved out.  Melanie first (thank God she is close) and Alex moved to Peterborough to go to school.  I am looking forward to seeing and holding our granddaughter and the thought of her is what keeps me going!  I don't think the reality of the passing of my dad hit me until this past summer when one day I looked in my review mirror saw my eyes and thought I will never see my dad's blue eyes again and then cried all the way to work.  I know that I used work as my escape but with the changes that are occurring there and the way I was beginning to unravel I was not coping.
Last week my husband finally had enough and made me go to see our family doctor, where we discussed how I have been emotionally, mentally and feeling physically.   I can say I am so glad I have Doug watching out for me, I know I have a great loving and supportive husband.  A good nite sleep seems to be a thing of the past, I used to stress eat but even the thought of eating some days makes me nauseated.    After hearing of my inability to cope with things he signed me out of work for two to three months.  I was told it was time to finally take care of me and that in order to do this I have to put me first which I find very difficult to do.  
After being signed out of work at first I thought I was a failure but I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off.  I said to my mom that I felt like a loser for being signed out of work but she said that it took more courage to admit to not being able to cope.  Sometimes our mom’s are so smart and I am so glad I have her.  Since then many family and friends have told me that they were shocked that I did not take any time off after my diagnosis or more time after surgery.  In hind sight I wish I had because maybe I would not be where I am today. 
So for now I am recharging my super woman powers so that I can be ready to deal with whatever comes my way.  Plus I am going to need my energy when our little Charlotte is born as I am often reminded that I am 50.

I am in the Clear!

I was given some great news today!!! SCAN was clear!!! I feel like I am on top of the world. The lymph nodes are still enlarged which is in all likeliness due to the trauma of the surgery. I now have to take care of my little ovary that started this roller coaster ride because apparently the cyst is back. Dr. Kapoor my doctor wants me to go see my gynecologist so tomorrow I will make an appointment. Thank you to all my family and friends for your love and support during this time. Hugs to you all!

No Drug Trial for me!

As you are all aware of yesterday I was to start the clinical drug trial well I won't be, I have been declined as a candidate for this.  I knew as soon as Dr. Kapoor entered the room that I would not be able to be part of the trial and when he spoke Doug and I thought oh no they found something on my lungs but fortunately it was not my lungs, liver or pancreas.  My CT scan showed that I have two enlarged lymph nodes on my left side near my left kidney.  Now Dr. Kapoor has said that he is pretty confident that it is not cancer and that it could be residual effects from having surgery, or they have caught some cancer cells and they are fighting them off or I could have a bug and they are enlarged because of this.  So what this all boils down to is no drug trial because I will have past the 12 week of being able to be part of the trial,  I will be having a CT scan at the end of June and will get the results at the beginning of July, so now we wait to see.  If the next scan shows that they have reduced in size I will then have CT scans every 3 months and if they are still enlarged I will be put on the drug that I was going to be taking for the drug trial.
I am so relieved and thankful that the scan showed nothing on my lungs or other organs this being said I am disappointed that I will not be part of the drug trial but when life throws a curve at you then you have to just go with the flow.  I am not going to sit and stew about what if because I have to many things to look forward to this year, we will be taking Alex to Peterborough so that he can begin his post secondary education in Police Foundations, we will be empty nesters come September and in November Melanie will be presenting us with our first grandchild.
One thing I have learned from this journey is to expect the unexpected.  Things never seem to go as planned when you are diagnosed with cancer.

First Scan and the Waiting Game begins again:(

Well yesterday was a long day. When I arrived for me scan I found out that they were two hours behind! My scan was suppose to be at 1:30 which would have given me enough time to grab something to eat before going for my going for my blood work and clinic appt. By 2:25 I was panicking, I had not had my scan and I needed to be over at the Juravinski cancer centre next door for my next two appts by 2:45. I asked the nurses who were getting patients ready for their scans if they could call the clinic to let them know that they were running behind, the nurse that I asked was a snot and gave me some attitude. I called them myself. I was able to make it on time for my clinic appointment but not my blood work but after my appointment I was able to have it done. I have to return tomorrow to have an ECG and all of these tests will be sent to the Pharmacuetical company conducting the drug trial to ensure I am eligible to start the trial. I have to wait two before I find out if I can start the drug trial. I will also get the results from the scan then, so I am a bit anxious having to wait to find out if my lungs and liver are clear of any mets to these organs. I can only keep my fingers crossed and pray that the cancer has not metastasized to these organs but the goods news if it has I will go immediately on a drug that is successful with dissolving these tumors. Until then I will wait... I start back to work today and I am not sure if I want to go back. Physically I am ready to go back, mentally I just haven't got my head around it. I better soon I will be leaving for work in about a hour and a half.

Week Eight and Our Family Vacation

I believe this was the best healing week ever!  Doug took us to Florida for a family vacation where we could take time to regroup and catch our breath before we have to deal with the next year.
The sun and sand was perfect.  We had excellent weather and am so glad we were able to do this.  We spent four days on the beach doing nothing but enjoying the water and sun.  We went to Busch Gardens where we fed Giraffes and Wallabees.  I must be feeling like my old self and the healing process is well under way.  I rode two and only two roller coasters.  It was worth feeling a little sore afterward.  Did some shopping which was fun.  Doug bought me my early Mother's Day present a Pandora Bracelet, with three charms - mom, a giraffe and a lots of love.  I have the most thoughtful husband. 
My Mom is a very supportive and caring person, she came down to watch our dogs Millie and Abbey so they did not have to go into a Kennel even though she was not feeling all that great. 

I have noticed that my right side around the incision site feels like it pinches sometimes and this is apparently part of the healing process.  My stomach no longer looks swollen it is almost back to normal.  I did not have any naps this week but I was in bed most nights by 9:30pm. 

Tomorrow I go for my fist part of stating the clinical trial drug.  I will have my scan, blood work and see the clinical nurse.  Hopefully the scan will be clear so I can be part of the drug trial. 
I start work on Wednesday this week and I am not sure if I want to go back.  I think retirement is looking really good right now but I can't seem to convince work that they should continue to pay me to stay home. lol 

I will let everyone know how things go tomorrow. 

Kidney Cancer Canada Patient Education Conference

On Saturday Melanie and I attended a Patient Education Conference held in Toronto for patients, families and others who were interested in learning more about kidney cancer.  The Conference was informative and empowering.  I am so glad that I found Kidney Cancer Canada through my research about kidney cancer.  Their website is chocked full of very useful information about kidney cancer.  The interesting thing about Kidney Cancer Canada is that its  is a charitable patient-led support organization established to improve the quality of life for patients and their families living with kidney cancer. It is only 5 years old and this was their 3rd annual conference.

The best part of the day was the networking that went on with other patients and families.  You don't feel so alone.   Kidney Cancer does not have the same awareness that Prostrate, Breast and Colon Cancer does but it should.  Kidney Cancer is treated like a chronic illness because of the chances metastasis that could occur shortly after the kidney is removed or years later.

I found out things that I did not even considered about how things would be different for me after having my kidney removed. 

Recovery Week Six

I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I have had many thoughts of things that I could possibly do around the house but the only thing that I have the energy or strength to do is some light house work including washing the floors without dumping the pail of water all over the place.lol. The best part I don't get asked "what are doing" or "are you serious, should you be doing that?". I do it when no one is around to catch me doing things. lmao. I continue to walk everyday and most days it is my two mile adventure but there are some days it is only one mile. I try not to get discouraged on the short walk days and it is usually Doug who says it is going to be a short walk for you today because you look like you have had enough. Thank God I have him to remind me not to go overboard because I would probably push myself to the edge of craziness. I still nap in the afternoon if I have been out in the morning or busy doing light house work. The nice thing is I am really starting to feel like my old self and I am not as weepy as I had been at the beginning of my journey.

How to post a comment

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Hope this is helpful to all my followers who would like to leave me comments.

Hugs to all!

The Clinical Drug Trial

I will be starting the Clinical Drug Trial at the beginning of May.  I just hope I don't turn into a human glow stick but if I do at least Doug will have a night light. lol  The Trial is a Double- Blind Study which means that I nor the doctor will know if I am taking the real drug or a placebo.  My Urologist Dr. Kapoor is also the Study Doctor for this trial.  I will be taking the drug for 1 year and will have to have x-rays, CAT scans, blood work and will have to complete questionnaires over this time period. Doug and I figured either way they will be watching me so closely over the next five years what do I have to loose.
The drug is called Pazopanib (also called Votrient) and it is hoped that after having a kidney removed due to cancer the drug can or delay the renal cell tumour from coming back.  There are 1500 hundred adults in approximately 25 countries in North America, South America, Asia and Europe in this study.  It should take 2.5 years to complete and the results should be known in approximately 5 years.  There are side effects to taking this drug so I will know what I am taking.  The biggest side effect is diarrhea, lightening of hair clour ( like this matters I already colour my hair), high blood pressure (great I just got rid of my high blood pressure), rashes and there are so many more.  The ones I have listed are the most common ones. 

I can't believe it has been Five Weeks since My Surgery

Wow five weeks already. I have walked almost every day this week for two miles but still require a nap ever day. I am not sure if it is part of the recovery process or my age. lol. I am going with the recovery process. I feel a lot better this week than I did last which is definitely a good sign.  My right side seems to be more sore this week almost like a pinching sensation.  From my readings it is part of the healing process.    I am so grateful to all my family and friends for their continued support. Today (Friday) I received a call to give me my appointment dates for the Clinical drug trial and my CAT scan. Next Tuesday (April 10) I will go to the Juravinski Cancer Centre in Hamilton to see about becoming part of the drug trial. At the beginning of May I will have my first scan after surgery.

What Cancer cannot do!

If you know anyone who has dealt with Cancer or who is going through cancer please share this poem with them. My mom gave me this poem when I was first diagnosed with Cervical Cancer I read this poem almost everyday and it helped me get through those difficult days. I brought it back out so that once again I can start reading it again.

 What Cancer cannot do!

Cancer is so limited.

It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal Eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit.

I am so Grateful for all the Support

I am very fortunate to have a very supportive family and friends.  I know I could not have made it through this so far without all of your love, support, positive thoughts and prayers.For this I thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart. 

Love and Hugs
Denise
           xo

My Fourth Week of Recovery and Follow Up Appointment

This was my best week still walking only .5 to 1 mile a day but finally made it to two on Saturday.  So far so good I don't feel like I had done a marathon.  The trick is to take my time.  

My follow up appointment took the wind out of mine and Doug's sails.  You see as I have said earlier in this blog I was told 100 percent cured well that all changed with the Pathology report.  I am now sitting with a 60 to 70 percent cure and I will take it.  The pathology report found that I had what they call a Common Clear Cell Cancer, Stage PT3A, Grade 2.  What does all this mean?  The most common type of kidney cancer is called renal cell carcinoma. This cancer forms in the cells lining the small tubules in the kidney that filter waste from the blood and make urine.  Stage PT3A, Kidney cancer has 4 stages and I am stage 3.  Kidney cancer is graded from 1 to 4 and I am at a 2, this determines how quickly the cancer grows.  I felt like had had been punched in the stomach with this news.  I am so glad Doug was with me when I was delivered the news.  Even as I think about it now I feel sick to my stomach.  

Well what does all this mean?  It means there is a possibility that it could spread to my lungs or liver.  The possibility of getting kidney cancer in my other kidney is very rare.  What do we do to ensure this does not happen?  Time will tell but I have to believe at this time I am fine and that worrying about what if just can't be part of my thought process.  This way of thinking took few days after hearing all of this information and digesting because I was on an emotional roller coaster but after one really good cry and not a few tearful moments but I mean Niagara Falls crying.   I spoke with a woman who was cleared after five years and eleven years later a tumor was found, it was in fact renal carcinoma and it took all that time for it to manifest itself.  Worrying about what if is not going to help the situation.  So I have decided to do a clinical drug trial that could extend my percentage of not having the cancer return.  I will be having a CAT scan in a month to ensure there are no new tumors at this time.  I will be having regular chest x-rays, CAT scans and blood work to ensure that they keep a close eye on me.  I will also be keeping records and getting all reports so that I too can keep track of my progress.    

One must be very careful when doing any research on the internet and I have discovered a wonderful Website Kidney Cancer Canada.  It is a very good resource and support network for persons with kidney cancer and their families.  At the end of April they are hosting a free conference for patients with kidney cancer and their families which I will be attending. 

On Saturday of this wee

My Third Week of Recovery

Not napping as much as I did the week previous weeks and I am able to do a bit more.

Finally I was able to sleep in my own bed!!!  All is well in the my world again. 

The weather this week has been totally awesome and made walking outside fantastic.  I started off with .5   mile walk for a couple of days, then 1 mile and then finally two miles.  I had been walking two miles almost everyday for eight months prior to my after surgery and one of my goals was to get back to walking two miles again.  I had a great nap this walk and for days after I lost my get up and go.

I still wasn't up to go to painting class so the girls from our Wednesday night painting class came to me.  What a nice surprise!

I was not as weepy this week has I had been in the first couple of weeks but still have my moments.

At the end of the week I thought that I could try to do a few things around the house,  dust mopping the floors was okay but I should not have tried to wash the floors when I tried to squeeze out the mop I knocked over the pail of water.  You can imagine what I said when this happened, the air was a little blue to say the least.  I think it was trying to mop up the water that done me in.  It had taken me a couple of days to recoup after this ordeal.  One of which I won't repeat for a while.

My Second Week of Recovery

The second week was much as the same as the first.  Still sleeping on the couch, napping a couple of times a day.  I had to go see my family doctor to have my staples removed - 25 in all.  A couple of those staples made my toes curl back when they were being removed.  I also had my blood pressure taken during this visit and discovered for the first time in a very long time my it was on the low side.  Now I know why I was feeling cold all the time and light headed if I got up quickly.

I still was unable to drive this week because one I did not have the energy to drive and secondly I could not make an emergency stop without it hurting.  I am so thankful I had Melanie drive me to my doctor appointment and on Wednesday to get my haircut.

On Saturday Melanie and I went grocery shopping what a long two hours, yes I said two hours who would have know it would takes us so long.  I felt like I was going in slow motion for the better part of this outing and had to have a nap when I got home.


I was able to walk to the corner and back, I am so thankful the weather has been nice for me to get out walking.

I also found myself weepy again this week but got through it with lots of hugs and support from my family and friends.

My First Week of Recovery

The first week at home went well and it wasn't at all what I had read on the internet.  In fact it was better than I had expected.

I  had to sleep on the couch and I am thankful that it is recliner because I could get in the perfect position and sleep comfortably.  I slept a lot this week but I continued to walk around the house.  Everyone took me for short walks outside.

I would have to have a nap after everything I had done, showers, walks.  I had read horror stories on the internet where people had their kidney removed and how they couldn't even eat without having a nap or how they could not function.  I found it to be just the opposite.  Yes I was tired and yes after I did somethings I needed a nap but I did not feel as bad as what I thought I would.

The one thing that I did do was get weepy and I think it was because everything was finally hitting home.  After I was diagnosed I did not stop and take time for me.  I deal with things better if I keep busy and now that I was home I had time to think and reflect on the last few months.  My family really helped me get through these weepy times by just giving lots of hugs and support from family and friends.

I took pain meds for the first four days at home and during the last couple of days I weened myself off the pain meds.  They really did not make me feel very good.

Do's and Dont's:

No heavy lifting, strenuous physical activity or exercise, no vacuuming,  driving until you can make a sudden emergency stop without it hurting.

Nap and sleep as much as your body wants, walk around, do slight leg and feet excercises to avoid blood clots.  

My Recovery - The First Three Days

The first person I saw when I got to my room was my husband Doug and what a releif it was.  I think the hardest part was seeing the worried look on his face, it had been a very long day for Doug he did not leave the hospital until I had got settled into my hospital room.  I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck but with the help of those wonderful little injections of pain meds I was in happy land.  My nightshift nurse informed me that my left kidney was taking the load for both kidneys and was functioning well.  This was something I had not even thought of before the surgery.

The next morning my nurse had me up and walking around.  I could have eat my own arm off I was so hungry.  I had not eaten anything other than clear fluids since Wednesay Night, it was now Saturday and was told that I was not going to be eating anything until the movement of gas.  I spent the next two days walking the hallways of the hospital floor, sleeping and drinking tons of water. For pain they administered pain meds every 4 hours and the use of warm blankets on my belly really helped.

Melanie and Alex brought me lovely tulips to brighten my hospital room.  

I had a great room mate we were able to help one another through out our stay in the hospital and she helped make being there more bearable.  I also had great nurses who took care of me during my stay in the hospital. 

Sunday was a big day for me I was able to have a shower, there is nothing better in the world than to have a shower after not having one for a couple of days.  They removed the catheder and my IV had been unhooked.  In afternoon the gas came thank God I could eat!!!  When dinner arrived I was so excited until I removed the lid.  Yuck meatloaf for whatever reason I can not eat meatloaf but I did enjoy the mashed potatoes and corn.  Oh yeah and the plain teabiscuit that Doug snuck in for me.  Melanie enjoyed the meatloaf for me.

On Monday I was released from the hospital.  Melanie and Alex came to pick me up and transport me home.  Home it was wonderful to be home.

Surgery Day

On March 2, 2012 I went into the hospital to have my right kidney nephrectomy.  I have to admit I was terrified because I was so unsure of what to expect and how I would feel after the surgery.  As I was being prepped for surgery the Urogloist - Dr. Kapoor came into the opereating room and asked me how was I doing?  I expressed that I was scared and he said so am I and showed me his shaking hands.  The most wonderful thing was I drifted off into my sedated sleep laughing.  I can't think of a better way of going under anesthetic.

Three hours later Dr. Kapoor reported to Doug that everything went well.  The tunor was in fact cancerous but the good news it was encapsulated and that it had not spread to any other organs.  I was 100 percent cancer free again!!! 

The Decision of what to do.

I went back to see the Urologist the next week and he told me that they were not able to get to the tumor because it had not extended into the middle part of the kidney where the waste water(urine) is made but the good news was the ureter and bladder were fine and disease free.  So where do we go from here...his recommendation was to remove the kidney completely because in 80 percent of these cases the tumors are cancerous.  I asked about just removing the tumor and because of where it was located if the tumor was removed the kidney would collapse and would shrink up, die and have to be removed any way.  The kidney would be removed by laparoscopically which decreases reovery time and is less intrusive.

The Urologist left my husband and I alone to discuss our options like we really had any.  Leave the kidney with the tumor or remove the kidney and the tumor.  We decided to have the kidney removed and be 100 percent cancer free again.

Now the question was when were they going to get this thing out of me.  The good news is that kidney cancer is a slow growing cancer but I did not care I wanted to be rid of it.

I am really fortunate to have a very understanding husband who truly loves and supports me because I don't think I would have made it through this without him.  After my first bout of cancer he went to counseling with me so that we could deal with the cancer together and because we of this we were able to face this together again.

At the beginning of February I got a call at work from my husband, the mail had come and there was a letter form the Urologist can he open it.  I told him to go ahead it was my surgery date and information for my pre-op appointment.  March 2, 1012 was the date I would be cancer free again!

The Biopsy

I went for the biopsy at the end of January 2012 and unfortunately they were not able to get to the tumor through the Ureter but the good news was the bladder and the ureter looked disease free.  I had to take a week off from work after the biopsy.  The biopsy had caused my ureter to go into spasms this is normal but the pain was excruciating and seemed to go from the ureter down into the bladder.  To top off the whole experience I ended up with one good bladder infection.


I had taken lots of Tylenol. used the heating pad, sat in a hot bath and weather permitting even went into the hot tub to help decrease the pain.  I would have rather give birth 20 times over than to ever have another biopsy like this one. lol  I was really worried at this point if the biopsy hurts like this what will having my kidney removed be like.

The Waiting Game

November and most of December came and went without hearing if I was going to have anything done.  I had gone into my family doctor to get my oh so vital B-12 shot and was questioned if I had heard anything from the Urologist when I expressed I had not my doctor's wife who works in his office stated making calls to see what was going on.  All I can say is Katie is like a dog with a bone and she did not give up on trying to get things moving.  The week between Christmas and New Years the Urologist office called to say it could happen any day now so be prepared.  On December 28th I received a call from the Urologist himself we will be getting you in next week.  I went into panic mode getting all the decorations down, house scrub from top to bottom, what a let down when the next week came and went without word.  I called the Urologist office myself and asked what was going on and was told there was not an open bed for me in the hospital and I was on a waiting list.  Grrrr our great health care system!  In the meantime I had gone into my doctors office to get my B-12 shot and once Katie heard that I had not gotten in again she was faxing their office everyday asking when were they going to get things moving.

The next week I received a call a biopsy had been arranged for the end of the month and pre-op for this procedure was scheduled for the week before.

Time to get the house in order again.  My sister told me it did not have time to get dirty because every time she spoke to me I was cleaning the house.  Well it was one way to keep busy so that I would not be stewing about what was going on.

The Diagnosis

In September of  2011 I went in for my usual yearly physical and had expressed to my family doctor that my left side was sore to the touch because of the location he felt it might be water cysts again on my ovary.   He ordered an ultra sound.  I went for the test not suspecting to be told anything else but you do have water cysts.  So you can imagine my shock when my doctor told me that yes I had a water cyst but that was not what he was concerned with it was the fact that my right kidney was enlarged. my doctor had already set up an appointment for me to have CAT scan to see just what was going on. 

In October of 2012 I had the scan done and was called back to my doctor's office for the results.  There was a tumor on my right kidney just above where the ureter comes into the kidney.  It looks to be of solid mass, size irregular shape which in all likeliness is cancer.  I was reeling at this point, all I could think of not again.  I am so glad my husband Doug was with me for this appointment because I know I had not heard anything after hearing the word cancer.  Although I had heard the words "you have cancer" before it does make it any easier the second time around. 

Lucky for me I have the best family doctor in the world because he was able to get me in quickly to see the best Urologist in the country.  So in November of 2011 I went to see the best Urologist and once again Doug come with me.  I was shown the scan and the tumor that was growing on my kidney.  I was told that there was an 80 percent chance it was kidney cancer and that in all likeliness they would have to remove the kidney.  They wanted to do a biopsy first to determine if in fact it was cancer or not.  I was told that they would get me in for the biopsy by the end of the month and that I would be in having a right nephrectomy (right kidney removal) in December or January.

The hardest part of this news was having to confirm our fears to our children (20 year old daughter and 18 year old son) and my family.  It was especially hard because my dad had just passed away this past summer and we were still dealing with his passing when we are hit with another blow.  Our children were shaken by the news but said I wasn't going anywhere because I had to much bitching and complaining to do yet.  My mom and sister took the news very hard.  I remember telling my mom and her saying why you and why now haven't we have enough shit to deal with this year.  My sister called me and was crying before I even answered the phone thank God for caller id because I would have thought it was an obscene caller.  All my sister could say was "I don't know what to say"  I had assured her that everything was going to be okay because the kids told me I had too much bitching and complaining to do, she actually laughed at this.