It has been six months since my surgery, eleven months since my diagnosis
and I thought that I have been dealing with this but apparently not. I
have discovered recently my super woman powers have failed me and I have hit
the wall of reality. I have turned into a emotional and mental wreck.
Physically I am fine as of right now unless I am told otherwise at my next
specialist appointment in November, I just had my six month CT scan this week.
I guess I have had one too many losses in the past year. First with
the passing of my dad, then just a few months later my diagnosis with kidney
cancer and the lastly our kids moved out.
Melanie first (thank God she is close) and Alex moved to Peterborough to
go to school. I am looking forward to
seeing and holding our granddaughter and the thought of her is what keeps me
going! I don't think the reality of the
passing of my dad hit me until this past summer when one day I looked in my
review mirror saw my eyes and thought I will never see my dad's blue eyes again
and then cried all the way to work. I know that I used work as my escape
but with the changes that are occurring there and the way I was beginning to
unravel I was not coping.
Last week my husband finally had enough and made me go to see our family doctor,
where we discussed how I have been emotionally, mentally and feeling
physically. I can say I am so glad I have Doug watching out for me, I
know I have a great loving and supportive husband. A good nite sleep seems to be a thing of the
past, I used to stress eat but even the thought of eating some days makes me
nauseated. After hearing of my inability to cope with things he
signed me out of work for two to three months. I was told it was time to
finally take care of me and that in order to do this I have to put me first
which I find very difficult to do.
After being signed out of work at first I thought I was a failure but I
actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off. I said to my mom that I felt like a loser for
being signed out of work but she said that it took more courage to admit to not
being able to cope. Sometimes our mom’s
are so smart and I am so glad I have her.
Since then many family and friends have told me that they were shocked
that I did not take any time off after my diagnosis or more time after
surgery. In hind sight I wish I had
because maybe I would not be where I am today.
So for now I am recharging my super woman powers so that I can be ready to
deal with whatever comes my way. Plus I
am going to need my energy when our little Charlotte is born as I am often
reminded that I am 50.
