Hitting the Wall of Reality

It has been six months since my surgery, eleven months since my diagnosis and I thought that I have been dealing with this but apparently not.  I have discovered recently my super woman powers have failed me and I have hit the wall of reality.  I have turned into a emotional and mental wreck. Physically I am fine as of right now unless I am told otherwise at my next specialist appointment in November, I just had my six month CT scan this week.  I guess I have had one too many losses in the past year.  First with the passing of my dad, then just a few months later my diagnosis with kidney cancer and the lastly our kids moved out.  Melanie first (thank God she is close) and Alex moved to Peterborough to go to school.  I am looking forward to seeing and holding our granddaughter and the thought of her is what keeps me going!  I don't think the reality of the passing of my dad hit me until this past summer when one day I looked in my review mirror saw my eyes and thought I will never see my dad's blue eyes again and then cried all the way to work.  I know that I used work as my escape but with the changes that are occurring there and the way I was beginning to unravel I was not coping.
Last week my husband finally had enough and made me go to see our family doctor, where we discussed how I have been emotionally, mentally and feeling physically.   I can say I am so glad I have Doug watching out for me, I know I have a great loving and supportive husband.  A good nite sleep seems to be a thing of the past, I used to stress eat but even the thought of eating some days makes me nauseated.    After hearing of my inability to cope with things he signed me out of work for two to three months.  I was told it was time to finally take care of me and that in order to do this I have to put me first which I find very difficult to do.  
After being signed out of work at first I thought I was a failure but I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off.  I said to my mom that I felt like a loser for being signed out of work but she said that it took more courage to admit to not being able to cope.  Sometimes our mom’s are so smart and I am so glad I have her.  Since then many family and friends have told me that they were shocked that I did not take any time off after my diagnosis or more time after surgery.  In hind sight I wish I had because maybe I would not be where I am today. 
So for now I am recharging my super woman powers so that I can be ready to deal with whatever comes my way.  Plus I am going to need my energy when our little Charlotte is born as I am often reminded that I am 50.

I am in the Clear!

I was given some great news today!!! SCAN was clear!!! I feel like I am on top of the world. The lymph nodes are still enlarged which is in all likeliness due to the trauma of the surgery. I now have to take care of my little ovary that started this roller coaster ride because apparently the cyst is back. Dr. Kapoor my doctor wants me to go see my gynecologist so tomorrow I will make an appointment. Thank you to all my family and friends for your love and support during this time. Hugs to you all!

No Drug Trial for me!

As you are all aware of yesterday I was to start the clinical drug trial well I won't be, I have been declined as a candidate for this.  I knew as soon as Dr. Kapoor entered the room that I would not be able to be part of the trial and when he spoke Doug and I thought oh no they found something on my lungs but fortunately it was not my lungs, liver or pancreas.  My CT scan showed that I have two enlarged lymph nodes on my left side near my left kidney.  Now Dr. Kapoor has said that he is pretty confident that it is not cancer and that it could be residual effects from having surgery, or they have caught some cancer cells and they are fighting them off or I could have a bug and they are enlarged because of this.  So what this all boils down to is no drug trial because I will have past the 12 week of being able to be part of the trial,  I will be having a CT scan at the end of June and will get the results at the beginning of July, so now we wait to see.  If the next scan shows that they have reduced in size I will then have CT scans every 3 months and if they are still enlarged I will be put on the drug that I was going to be taking for the drug trial.
I am so relieved and thankful that the scan showed nothing on my lungs or other organs this being said I am disappointed that I will not be part of the drug trial but when life throws a curve at you then you have to just go with the flow.  I am not going to sit and stew about what if because I have to many things to look forward to this year, we will be taking Alex to Peterborough so that he can begin his post secondary education in Police Foundations, we will be empty nesters come September and in November Melanie will be presenting us with our first grandchild.
One thing I have learned from this journey is to expect the unexpected.  Things never seem to go as planned when you are diagnosed with cancer.

First Scan and the Waiting Game begins again:(

Well yesterday was a long day. When I arrived for me scan I found out that they were two hours behind! My scan was suppose to be at 1:30 which would have given me enough time to grab something to eat before going for my going for my blood work and clinic appt. By 2:25 I was panicking, I had not had my scan and I needed to be over at the Juravinski cancer centre next door for my next two appts by 2:45. I asked the nurses who were getting patients ready for their scans if they could call the clinic to let them know that they were running behind, the nurse that I asked was a snot and gave me some attitude. I called them myself. I was able to make it on time for my clinic appointment but not my blood work but after my appointment I was able to have it done. I have to return tomorrow to have an ECG and all of these tests will be sent to the Pharmacuetical company conducting the drug trial to ensure I am eligible to start the trial. I have to wait two before I find out if I can start the drug trial. I will also get the results from the scan then, so I am a bit anxious having to wait to find out if my lungs and liver are clear of any mets to these organs. I can only keep my fingers crossed and pray that the cancer has not metastasized to these organs but the goods news if it has I will go immediately on a drug that is successful with dissolving these tumors. Until then I will wait... I start back to work today and I am not sure if I want to go back. Physically I am ready to go back, mentally I just haven't got my head around it. I better soon I will be leaving for work in about a hour and a half.

Week Eight and Our Family Vacation

I believe this was the best healing week ever!  Doug took us to Florida for a family vacation where we could take time to regroup and catch our breath before we have to deal with the next year.
The sun and sand was perfect.  We had excellent weather and am so glad we were able to do this.  We spent four days on the beach doing nothing but enjoying the water and sun.  We went to Busch Gardens where we fed Giraffes and Wallabees.  I must be feeling like my old self and the healing process is well under way.  I rode two and only two roller coasters.  It was worth feeling a little sore afterward.  Did some shopping which was fun.  Doug bought me my early Mother's Day present a Pandora Bracelet, with three charms - mom, a giraffe and a lots of love.  I have the most thoughtful husband. 
My Mom is a very supportive and caring person, she came down to watch our dogs Millie and Abbey so they did not have to go into a Kennel even though she was not feeling all that great. 

I have noticed that my right side around the incision site feels like it pinches sometimes and this is apparently part of the healing process.  My stomach no longer looks swollen it is almost back to normal.  I did not have any naps this week but I was in bed most nights by 9:30pm. 

Tomorrow I go for my fist part of stating the clinical trial drug.  I will have my scan, blood work and see the clinical nurse.  Hopefully the scan will be clear so I can be part of the drug trial. 
I start work on Wednesday this week and I am not sure if I want to go back.  I think retirement is looking really good right now but I can't seem to convince work that they should continue to pay me to stay home. lol 

I will let everyone know how things go tomorrow. 

Kidney Cancer Canada Patient Education Conference

On Saturday Melanie and I attended a Patient Education Conference held in Toronto for patients, families and others who were interested in learning more about kidney cancer.  The Conference was informative and empowering.  I am so glad that I found Kidney Cancer Canada through my research about kidney cancer.  Their website is chocked full of very useful information about kidney cancer.  The interesting thing about Kidney Cancer Canada is that its  is a charitable patient-led support organization established to improve the quality of life for patients and their families living with kidney cancer. It is only 5 years old and this was their 3rd annual conference.

The best part of the day was the networking that went on with other patients and families.  You don't feel so alone.   Kidney Cancer does not have the same awareness that Prostrate, Breast and Colon Cancer does but it should.  Kidney Cancer is treated like a chronic illness because of the chances metastasis that could occur shortly after the kidney is removed or years later.

I found out things that I did not even considered about how things would be different for me after having my kidney removed. 

Recovery Week Six

I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I have had many thoughts of things that I could possibly do around the house but the only thing that I have the energy or strength to do is some light house work including washing the floors without dumping the pail of water all over the place.lol. The best part I don't get asked "what are doing" or "are you serious, should you be doing that?". I do it when no one is around to catch me doing things. lmao. I continue to walk everyday and most days it is my two mile adventure but there are some days it is only one mile. I try not to get discouraged on the short walk days and it is usually Doug who says it is going to be a short walk for you today because you look like you have had enough. Thank God I have him to remind me not to go overboard because I would probably push myself to the edge of craziness. I still nap in the afternoon if I have been out in the morning or busy doing light house work. The nice thing is I am really starting to feel like my old self and I am not as weepy as I had been at the beginning of my journey.