The Cape is on and I am back

Well after the last time I had wrote I wasn't ever sure that I would or could say that I feel better than ever!  I have found my super woman powers and although they are definitely not what they used to be, I do possess them once again.  I just realized as I sit here writing that I am holding and cuddling my new super power source - Charlotte.  Family and friends don't worry I am not gonna wear those silly tight ass super hero costumes because then I would just look plain silly and would embarrass my family greatly, wait a minute I do love to embarrass them.
 My three month hiatus from work was exactly what I needed even though I hate to admit that Doug was right. lol  He really did me a favour by taking me to the doctors to get some much needed time off.   These three months gave me time for me which may sound selfish but it was my saving grace.  I hated work, I was miserable and I definitely was not me. I was able to spend time with Doug that I needed to because without him I would not have made it emotionally through this last cancer scare.  I spent a lot of time with Melanie before our beautiful grand daughter Charlotte was born.  I was given an extra special gift from Melanie and Brendon when they asked me to be in the labor room with them.  I thought the experience of giving birth to our two children was awesome I can't describe how truly blessed I was to watch our daughter give birth to her first child.   I have been able to spend a lot of time with Charlotte that I would not have been able to had I been working and for this I will be forever grateful.
Tomorrow I go back to work.  How do I feel?  Anxious, two weeks ago I was ready to go back but today I am not sure probably just the thought of getting up early and having to face that cold dark morning is turning me off.   I wonder if work would mind if I went in an hour late.  lol   I must say at least I don't have to get into a cold car, once again Doug saved me by having  a car starter put in my car last year.


Wishing everyone a healthy year
Hugs
Denise

Things can only get better from here!

Well after much anxiety since my scan last month I received some great news yesterday from Dr. Kapoor,  my lymph nodes have started to decrease in size and I have been given my membership card to Club N.E.D.  which is an exclusive club that gives us cancer patients the privilege to say that there is No Evidence of Disease!.  I say this through a heavy sigh relief and a happy tears.   My next scan will be in April of next year and results will be in May! 
 
While many may say "see I told you that you had nothing to worry about" or "I told you everything would be fine" that does alleviate the anxiety or thought process that one goes through when dealing with the fear of having the results given to you after a scan in fact for the person dealing with cancer or any disease for that matter it sometimes feels like what you are going through is trivialized.  I know most of us don't know what to say to someone who has been diagnosed with a life threatening disease but instead of saying anything at all just listen to your family member or friend to truly understand what it is like to be in that person's shoes.   I hope I have not offended anyone in this paragraph and if I have I do apologize if I have but I felt it was important to say after being at a Patient/Caregiver Connect Meeting last evening hosted by Kidney Cancer Canada  discussing How we can treat & You can cope with Kidney Cancer Better.  

With all of that being said I truly value all the love and support I have received and continue to received through my journey with Kidney Cancer. 

Hugs
Denise

Hitting the Wall of Reality

It has been six months since my surgery, eleven months since my diagnosis and I thought that I have been dealing with this but apparently not.  I have discovered recently my super woman powers have failed me and I have hit the wall of reality.  I have turned into a emotional and mental wreck. Physically I am fine as of right now unless I am told otherwise at my next specialist appointment in November, I just had my six month CT scan this week.  I guess I have had one too many losses in the past year.  First with the passing of my dad, then just a few months later my diagnosis with kidney cancer and the lastly our kids moved out.  Melanie first (thank God she is close) and Alex moved to Peterborough to go to school.  I am looking forward to seeing and holding our granddaughter and the thought of her is what keeps me going!  I don't think the reality of the passing of my dad hit me until this past summer when one day I looked in my review mirror saw my eyes and thought I will never see my dad's blue eyes again and then cried all the way to work.  I know that I used work as my escape but with the changes that are occurring there and the way I was beginning to unravel I was not coping.
Last week my husband finally had enough and made me go to see our family doctor, where we discussed how I have been emotionally, mentally and feeling physically.   I can say I am so glad I have Doug watching out for me, I know I have a great loving and supportive husband.  A good nite sleep seems to be a thing of the past, I used to stress eat but even the thought of eating some days makes me nauseated.    After hearing of my inability to cope with things he signed me out of work for two to three months.  I was told it was time to finally take care of me and that in order to do this I have to put me first which I find very difficult to do.  
After being signed out of work at first I thought I was a failure but I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off.  I said to my mom that I felt like a loser for being signed out of work but she said that it took more courage to admit to not being able to cope.  Sometimes our mom’s are so smart and I am so glad I have her.  Since then many family and friends have told me that they were shocked that I did not take any time off after my diagnosis or more time after surgery.  In hind sight I wish I had because maybe I would not be where I am today. 
So for now I am recharging my super woman powers so that I can be ready to deal with whatever comes my way.  Plus I am going to need my energy when our little Charlotte is born as I am often reminded that I am 50.

I am in the Clear!

I was given some great news today!!! SCAN was clear!!! I feel like I am on top of the world. The lymph nodes are still enlarged which is in all likeliness due to the trauma of the surgery. I now have to take care of my little ovary that started this roller coaster ride because apparently the cyst is back. Dr. Kapoor my doctor wants me to go see my gynecologist so tomorrow I will make an appointment. Thank you to all my family and friends for your love and support during this time. Hugs to you all!

No Drug Trial for me!

As you are all aware of yesterday I was to start the clinical drug trial well I won't be, I have been declined as a candidate for this.  I knew as soon as Dr. Kapoor entered the room that I would not be able to be part of the trial and when he spoke Doug and I thought oh no they found something on my lungs but fortunately it was not my lungs, liver or pancreas.  My CT scan showed that I have two enlarged lymph nodes on my left side near my left kidney.  Now Dr. Kapoor has said that he is pretty confident that it is not cancer and that it could be residual effects from having surgery, or they have caught some cancer cells and they are fighting them off or I could have a bug and they are enlarged because of this.  So what this all boils down to is no drug trial because I will have past the 12 week of being able to be part of the trial,  I will be having a CT scan at the end of June and will get the results at the beginning of July, so now we wait to see.  If the next scan shows that they have reduced in size I will then have CT scans every 3 months and if they are still enlarged I will be put on the drug that I was going to be taking for the drug trial.
I am so relieved and thankful that the scan showed nothing on my lungs or other organs this being said I am disappointed that I will not be part of the drug trial but when life throws a curve at you then you have to just go with the flow.  I am not going to sit and stew about what if because I have to many things to look forward to this year, we will be taking Alex to Peterborough so that he can begin his post secondary education in Police Foundations, we will be empty nesters come September and in November Melanie will be presenting us with our first grandchild.
One thing I have learned from this journey is to expect the unexpected.  Things never seem to go as planned when you are diagnosed with cancer.

First Scan and the Waiting Game begins again:(

Well yesterday was a long day. When I arrived for me scan I found out that they were two hours behind! My scan was suppose to be at 1:30 which would have given me enough time to grab something to eat before going for my going for my blood work and clinic appt. By 2:25 I was panicking, I had not had my scan and I needed to be over at the Juravinski cancer centre next door for my next two appts by 2:45. I asked the nurses who were getting patients ready for their scans if they could call the clinic to let them know that they were running behind, the nurse that I asked was a snot and gave me some attitude. I called them myself. I was able to make it on time for my clinic appointment but not my blood work but after my appointment I was able to have it done. I have to return tomorrow to have an ECG and all of these tests will be sent to the Pharmacuetical company conducting the drug trial to ensure I am eligible to start the trial. I have to wait two before I find out if I can start the drug trial. I will also get the results from the scan then, so I am a bit anxious having to wait to find out if my lungs and liver are clear of any mets to these organs. I can only keep my fingers crossed and pray that the cancer has not metastasized to these organs but the goods news if it has I will go immediately on a drug that is successful with dissolving these tumors. Until then I will wait... I start back to work today and I am not sure if I want to go back. Physically I am ready to go back, mentally I just haven't got my head around it. I better soon I will be leaving for work in about a hour and a half.

Week Eight and Our Family Vacation

I believe this was the best healing week ever!  Doug took us to Florida for a family vacation where we could take time to regroup and catch our breath before we have to deal with the next year.
The sun and sand was perfect.  We had excellent weather and am so glad we were able to do this.  We spent four days on the beach doing nothing but enjoying the water and sun.  We went to Busch Gardens where we fed Giraffes and Wallabees.  I must be feeling like my old self and the healing process is well under way.  I rode two and only two roller coasters.  It was worth feeling a little sore afterward.  Did some shopping which was fun.  Doug bought me my early Mother's Day present a Pandora Bracelet, with three charms - mom, a giraffe and a lots of love.  I have the most thoughtful husband. 
My Mom is a very supportive and caring person, she came down to watch our dogs Millie and Abbey so they did not have to go into a Kennel even though she was not feeling all that great. 

I have noticed that my right side around the incision site feels like it pinches sometimes and this is apparently part of the healing process.  My stomach no longer looks swollen it is almost back to normal.  I did not have any naps this week but I was in bed most nights by 9:30pm. 

Tomorrow I go for my fist part of stating the clinical trial drug.  I will have my scan, blood work and see the clinical nurse.  Hopefully the scan will be clear so I can be part of the drug trial. 
I start work on Wednesday this week and I am not sure if I want to go back.  I think retirement is looking really good right now but I can't seem to convince work that they should continue to pay me to stay home. lol 

I will let everyone know how things go tomorrow.